Never Really Meant It
by Supernaturalic
Summary: Set after "Book Of The Damned". Dean obviously was still hurt by what Sam said last year, and since he brought it up, Sam needs to address things. One-shot. Not slash.


Never Really Meant It

Dean was in his room going through the small photo collection he has. It has become a habit, every few nights he take out the few pictures of his family in the drawer next to his bed and look at them like it's the first time. And just as he put them back in their place Sam knocked on the door frame walking in.

"What's up?" Dean asked looking at Sam who stopped by the desk and sighed.

"There's something I need to tell you" He had a serious expression on his face. He took the chair and pulled it with him and placed it next to Dean's bed and sat on it.

Dean got suspicious. "What did you do this time, Sam?"

"Nothing! Nothing.." _Nothing that you should know but that's not what I came to talk about._ "I'm not here to confess about something.. Well technically... Whatever!" Dean was looking at him with confusion, Sam smiled as he looked back right in his brother's eyes.

"Dean.. Before everything.. before you got the mark.. We.. we weren't on the best terms since.. you know... And I.. at some point.. said some crap.." Dean nodded and looked down at his hands, he knew exactly what Sam was talking about because he never really forgot about it. It still hurt him.

Sam sighed when he saw the sad expression on his brother's face, guilt started eating on in him.

"Sam.." Dean began to protest.

"I need to say this and I need you to listen" Sam said locking his eyes with his brother's, a calm but worried expression in them. "I never really meant it, not really, not when I watched you die in my arms and every chance to make things right faded away, _you_ faded away.." Sam's eyes were tearing up, he said to himself he wasn't going to have this talk with Dean while crying but the memory was still too hard.

At that moment, it seemed like what hurt Dean hurts Sam just as much. "Nothing of what I said before or thought was _'the right thing'_ mattered that moment, like it all was a lie that I convinced myself into believing then it all went away. Everything was broken. And I couldn't forgive myself for that, I never really could"

Tears were streaming down his face and he didn't even bother wiping them or hiding them from his brother who was looking at him with empathy and worry.

Dean was starting to get emotional, it hurts to remember that, and it hurts to watch his little brother suffering more than he should about it.

"I'm sorry.. Dean, I'm sorry.. for everything" He sniffed and rubbed his nose in his sleeve. "If anything, I just.. I just want you to know that.. I will always do whatever I can and whatever I can to save you, because I am scared to be up here alone, and I can't keep living this life without you, I really can't, and I don't want to"

Sam threw his eyes down to the floor trying to collect himself again, releasing a shaky sigh that was once a sob he was holding in his chest. Everything he accused his brother of last year, every angry realization he threw in Dean's face that time, he was confessing it now, stating himself just as guilty as Dean was.

Years back when the brothers made the agreement that they would never chase after death for each other's sake, they seemed determined about it, but deep down, both of them knew it was just a joke, both of them are willing to break the unbreakable and go to the end of the world and against all the natural orders if it meant the other was safe and kicking.

Sam almost giggled at the thought, but he was chocking in tears. For him, it didn't matter what it cost, a leg, a brain, an eye, a soul, a life.. All he wants is to save his brother and he was going to make sure he grants that.

A hand on his face pulled him back to present, he lifted his head up and looked at Dean who reached his hand to rub his tears with his fingers. In front of him was his little brother, the one person he spent his entire life trying to protect, the one person that he'd sell his soul again for with no hesitations if he had to, the one person that no matter what he did, how tall and big he got, he will always be his kid brother he loves more than anything and anyone in the entire world, and that kid brother was asking for his forgiveness.

"You did prove yourself wrong, Sammy" Dean said with a pushed smile. He was trying to blink the emotions away. "You brought me back from being a demon, you're holding teeth and nails onto me not to give up to the mark. I think that makes us even" He pulled his hand back and sighed. "I gave you a hard time about it even when I saw you doing the exact opposite.. And for that I'm sorry"

"No, man. You don't need to apologize.." Sam shook his head, this wasn't Dean's time to apologize for anything, even if he had something to apologize for.

"And I'm sorry for whatever I said to you while I was a demon. I should've addressed it before but.. Sammy you know I didn't mean a word of what I said back then, right? You know I never blame you for anything?"

Dean grabbed his brother's shoulder and looked in his eyes like he was searching for his answer in them. They just looked at each other for a moment before Sam smiled a bit.

"I told you that time, _'that wasn't my brother talking'_" he lost the smile, nodded in affirmation, giving Dean an answer. "I know"

Dean pushed himself of the bed standing, Sam followed him and they both circled their arms around each other firmly. Dean's hand grabbed the back of Sam's head soothing his hair, it's not something Dean usually do, but when he did, it's like a promise to Sam that everything will be okay, and Sam believed him every time. He buried his nose in his brother's shoulder and stayed there for a minute before they both pulled back at the same time.

"I'll let you sleep now" Sam said walking to the door. His heart felt less heavier now, and he could use some sleep now because he has so much things to do in the morning before Dean wakes up.

"Yeah, you too should go and get an eye shut, Sammy"

Sam nodded with a smile. Actually smiling for the first time that day. "Good night Dean"

"Good night little brother"


End file.
